Emotionless
by chicken puffs
Summary: Hate is one of the strongest emotions you can feel, and for two, that's all it was. For a little while. It's hard to hate, but even harder to love, yet on a once in a lifetime journey that's what's happening. KJ!
1. Default Chapter

**Emotionless**

_I'm always wrapped up in  
Things I cannnot win  
You are the antidote that gets me by  
Something strong  
Like a drug that gets me high  
__What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold to you_  
_Cold, Crossfade_

Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Tamora Pierce.

Keladry of Mindelan poked at her food, rearranging it around her plate while the boys around her exchanged stories of the battles they'd been in, the immortals they'd defeated, and the people they'd met.

Everyone was back from their adventures for the midwinter celebrations, and she was glad to have her friends back, but she couldn't help but look around the mess hall tiredly for the face that she'd come to memorize. The face that had tormented her dreams, plaguing her with both passion and hatred.

Neal watched his best friend carefully studying the mess hall, seeing relief plastered on her face as she returned to poking her food.

Dark circles hung under her eyes, her cheeks hollowed, and her once joyful hazel eyes looking downcast and haunted.

When she'd excused herself from the table leaving her uneaten plate sitting, he'd gotten up and followed her, lagging a few feet behind her until they'd reached the darkened halls.

Calling her name, he waited for her to stop, offering her a crooked smile, green eyes full of worry, wondering what could have happened in the course of a few months, to drive her into this state.

When he'd asked her if she were alright, she wanted to jump into his arms and let him comfort her, tell him of the dreams that were constantly on her mind, tell him she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks, and she would've, except she couldn't. This was something she couldn't trust with anyone, not even her best friend. This was her burden, and she had to carry it alone.

Kel slipped the mask over her face, telling Neal that she'd be fine, all she needed was some sleep, and that she'd see him tomorrow.

She saw the hurt on his face, that she wouldn't confide in him after so many years. She hated keeping secrets from him, but this wasn't something she could tell him.

Walking down the hallways blindly, she let her emotions run wildy, and yet, no matter how hard she tried to think about her friends, they always returned to him. Joren of Stone Mountain, the person who had tried to ruin her chances at becoming a knight, the man who had succeeded in making her life a misery. She hated him so much, his hollow chuckle, the silver blond hair that constantly fell in his eyes, the way he smirked, but most of all, those eyes. They were almost like crystals, the way they held no emotion, the way they made her feel cold all over when she glanced at him.

Kel hadn't noticed where she was going, and the wind was knocked from her as she was thrown to the ground by the force of the person.

She mumbled her apologies as she tried to get on her feet, only managing to stumble from exhaustion. Gods, she needed some sleep, it had been so long since she'd been able to sleep peacefully.

A rough callused hand reached out to her, and she looked up to see exactly who she'd ran into. Heart beating furiously, she pushed the hand away, gripping the wall for support. A shiver ran through her spine, as saw him smirk and against her judgement lift her up.

"So we meet again lump, you really should watch where your going next time, you never know who you could run into down these dark, hallways," he said as he watched her as she tried unsuccessfully to free herself from the hold he had on her.

"Let go of me Stone Mountain," she tried to sounds furious with him, but she only came out sounding weak and tired, which disgusted her. It was like he had this power over her, to command her and do as he wished.

"That's no way to greet me now, is it Keladry?" He whispered the words into her ear seductively, and her legs buckled from underneath her, and if it hadn't been for him holding her upright, she might have fallen to the ground.

"Joren, don't start this again, please." she tried hard to keep the tears back, she couldn't display this kind of weakness in front of him, it would just give him something to hold over his head.

"You want it as much as I," with that he captured his lips in hers, forcing her against the wall. Fire exploded throughout her body as his tongue prodded it's way into her mouth.

She wanted to scream at him until her lungs were hoarse and her throat ached, she wanted to resist in some way she wanted to kick him, punch him, run into her room and lock the door. Kel always felt this way, but instead of resisting she battled him with her mouth. She kissed him back with as much passion he displayed, forgetting her plans, and forgetting her fatigue.

He pulled back from her suddenly, and she felt as if the world had come crashing down on her shoulders. The warmth his mouth had provided was gone, leaving her cold and shaking. She needed him, she craved him, but the most shocking of all was that she wanted him. It was an undesirable urge that she couldn't quench. He'd left his mark on her.

Taking her hand, he pulled her along with him, until he reached his door locking it once they had entered it. He was her support right now, and she clung to his form, though it sickened her greatly. She was Keladry of Mindelan, and everyone knew she could support herself, but once in a while, even the greatest fall.

Kel woke with a jolt as thoughts whirled around in her, sweat soaking her clothes and sheets. She stared at the smooth white ceiling, as she came back to reality.

Getting up, she pulled her glaive off the rack, trying to forget the images of him, trying to clear her mind as she used to do when she was smaller. A smooth, calm lake, glistening in the warm sunlight, children's laughs ringing along the surface. The lake shifted from her mind, a storm coming to mind...a storm with crystal blue eyes and a smirk.

A/N: A new story...This will probably be Kel/Joren, or Kel/Neal...I'm not quite sure though. Yuki and Cleon will be in the next chapter, who knows this could even end up as Kel/Cleon. Please review and tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

REVISED AND EDITED:April 5th/05

Revised and edited edited: June 27th/o5

Disclaimer: The characters in this story do not belong to me, but Tamora Pierce.

A/N: Wow, thank you guys so much for reviewing, it really made me feel great:D Can anyone tell me when Yuki arrived at the palace, and when Cleon kissed Kel for the first time? It would be a big help, so either email me or leave your email, because I really need your help! Alot of people voted on a J/K fic, but I think it will start out K/N, and slowly move into J/K... Thanks again for reviewing, I hope you find this chapter alright. Kel is ooc, but please keep in mind, it is crucial to the point, and totally necessary. I'll try and update this week, but school starts tomorrow so don't expect anything out before Friday. I have the next chapter, and if anyone wants to BETA it would help so much:):):) I'm out though, so please R&R! Justa reminder, won't let me edit, so there might be a few mistakes.

**Emotionless**

_I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind  
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do  
Or who I'm supposed to be  
I don't want to be anything other than me _

_Gavin Degraw, I don't Wanna Be_

Kel followed the rhythm of the dance, thrusting her glaive in and out, twisting, and swerving to the left. Her mind was occupied though, and she kept her eyes closed as beads of sweat gleamed on her face, light brown hair tied back in a loose horsetail.

She thought of what she'd been through as Raoul's squire and in a year and a half, she would face her ordeal, like so many of her year mates. Shed seen everything, experienced so much, and yet, she felt incomplete, as though she'd left a part of herself behind when she come to the palace.

Pushing these thoughts away, she dwelled upon friends. Neal, who was always amused in some way or other was her best friend, who'd been through everything with her since she'd arrived at the palace.

She smiled as she thought about him, he would be arriving any day now, and she couldn't wait to see him. It had been so long since she'd had someone to make her laugh, and she truly missed him.

Then there was Cleon, with his head of bright red hair. She was sure though, that she didn't feel the same way as she did a year ago, so much had happened to her, and she wanted to be his friend, no more than that.

Of course there was Merric, Owen, Faleron, and the rest of her year mates, but Joren would also be there. Her sworn enemy from day one, the same person that swore he would make her life a misery if she continued her training.

She thought back to the time where shed first saw Joren, at least acknowledged that he was a real person. It had been when his knight master, Sir Paxton of Nond and his squire had come to aid the Own to help prepare Joren for what he'd experience as a knight. It was right after the dreams had come, a stormy night when they'd been helping to repair and clean up the damage left by bandit's, in a village north of Corus.

_Flashback_

_Kel shivered, a small tremor running up her spine as she thought of all the children, babies, mother, fathers, and grandparents that had been buried today. So many people, their eyes lifeless, there lips blue, hair soaked from the downpour._

_Sighing, she escaped the warm folds of her bedroll, putting on her warmest pair of breeches, a thick shirt, and leather boots. Nobody would be up at this hour, she was sure, at least nobody with half a mind and she grinned at the thought of that. Mithros, Neal was rubbing off on her._

_A light mist had settled over the many tents, soft moonlight bathing the world in light. The rain fell gently down on her, and her worries seemed to disappear looking out at the land._

_How could a village that was filled with despair be so beautiful in the course of a few hours? It was like she was in a whole different world, a world without fighting, a world without death, a world so unlike the one she lived in._

_"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite lump, the single savior of Tortall, coming back from rescuing some poor innocent man from spending a night alone." He drawled out sarcastically. "Returning from someone's bedroll tonight, hmm? Was it that idiot you have for a knight master, or maybe it was that Masbolle, the one you spent the whole trip flirting with? Really Mindelan, I never thought of you to be that kind of girl who makes everything so public!" He feigned shock and surprise as he stared at her, willing for her to take his bait._

_Kel turned around hearing the voice, the air gone from her lungs as she saw who had approached. Joren stood there, glowing in the ethereal light, his wet blond hair tousled hanging in his pale eyes. His chest was bare, water gleaming on his well muscled stomach. He wore nothing but a pair of silk breeches, and leather boots much the same as hers._

_"I know you want some lump, you may be a lady squire, but you're the same as all of the court ladies. Obviously you share something in common with them, I notice you can't keep your eyes off me," he sneered at her, his voice filled with amusement._

_Kel snapped out of her reverie, hating herself for staring. Her mask fell, and a blush rose to her face, causing him to chuckle unruly, even as she glared at him. "How dare you accuse me of sleeping with Dom or Raoul? I have my dignity, unlike you of course. Don't think I haven't heard the rumors about you, you're willing to jump anything wearing a skirt," she remarked, but immediately regretting what she said. Joren was doing this to her on purpose, just to get her angry because that's what he'd played at ever since she'd arrived at the palace, making her life a living hell._

_He stepped closer, grabbing her shoulder roughly causing pain to course through her body, but before she could react he whispered in that insanely cold voice. "You think your so bright Mindelan. You think you know everything about me, but you have no fucking idea. You don't know what its like to be pushed from the minute you were born to be the best." His eyes were furious, turning dark from anger that pulsed through his veins._

_She didn't move as his eyes locked upon hers, making her feel his anger as he held her in a death grip. The heat radiating from their bodies made her forget about the rain that was falling atop their heads._

_He brought himself closer to her, not releasing his hold on her arm, as he lightly trailed his lips along her face, whispering into her ear, "You have no idea Keladry, so don't ever make assumptions about me, because you know nothing, absolutely nothing. Maybe..." He didn't finish the sentence, as he walked into the distance, the mist to thick for her to see his form walk away._

_She gently touched her cheek, feeling nothing but the rain. Every nerve in her body was on fire from his touch, but the rain was slowly cooling her down from that strange encounter._

_For the first time since meeting her, he'd used her name. His soft slur of her name had made it feel untouchable and precious, like a rare gemstone or a sword dating back from ancient times._

_Kel walked back to her tent, wondering why she felt so warm in the cold presence of dawn._

_End of Flashback_

Hanging her glaive on the rack, she wiped the sweat of her face with the back of her hand, which only moments ago, had felt like the cold October rain.

Keladry, Keladry, Keladry... his voice tickled her cheek, a hand stroking her shoulder.

Raoul shook her hard by the shoulders, bringing her back to Earth.

"My lord, I'm sorry! I didn't hear you," Kel smiled as her knight master's eyes danced and he chuckled.

"I don't see how you couldn't hear me Kel, I was banging for five minutes, and was afraid the whole palace could hear me."

"What can I help you with My Lord?"

"I need you to deliver a message for me, and when you get back Kel, get some rest, we'll be back out before you know it, and I need you at your best for some upcoming problems."

"My lord, I'm fine, if not just a bit tired. Now, is this one to Sir Myles or Sir Gareth?"

"Neither, it's for Sir Paxton, he's coming back today from visiting his estate, and it's urgent that he gets it as soon as possible. I believe his squire is here though, preparing for his ordeal. I would take it myself, but Jonathan's given me a pile of work to catch up on, so the rest of the day is yours Kel." Raoul smiled at his squire before handing over an envelope sealed with his crest, and closing the door.

Kel stood there, turning the letter over in her hands, hoping that maybe she hadn't heard correctly.

A/N: Cookies for everyone who review :):):D:D


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters used in this story, they all belong to Tamora Pierce.

A/N: Took me a week to get this out, not bad considering I rewrote this about five times. Things will start to get interesting after this chapter, I promise. THIS WILL NOT be one of those stories that Joren follows Kel around and suddenly becomes pleasant, willingly falls in love, and offers himself to her. No . K/N next chapter...so make sure you read. Thanks to everyone who reviewed:) Now on to the next chapter. F.Y.I the dream will be ooc but thats because it's a dream:P

**Emotionless**

By Chicken Puffs

_Can't take it anymore  
Shaken till we move the floor  
what are we waiting for  
LET"S GO  
Tired of being ordinary  
Don't care if theres people starring  
I know you said you'd carry me ... on  
I"m not invisible like you_

"What do you want," his cool eyes observed her, leaning back against the door.

"Give this to Sir Paxton when he returns tonight," she met his gaze solidly, handing him the letter sealed with the Goldenlake crest.

"You interrupted me to give me some stupid letter?" He sneered at her, grabbing the letter from her, toying with the wax seal.

"Just give it to him Joren. I'm not in the mood to play your games." She glared defiantly at him, trying to calm herself. He always managed to make her angry no matter what he did, his very presence flared up feelings she had never felt toward anyone before.

"That's a shame Mindelan, because you're the one I want to play with at the moment." His blue eyes turned a grey shade, casting a dark look at her, but it was not returned, as she stared up at him in utter confusion. Giving her a smirk, he pulled himself away from the door, closing it as she again told him to give the letter to his idiot of a knight master.

His eyes roamed down to the letter he held in his hand, putting it into his pocket to read later.

"Who was that, Joren?" A petite blonde lay on his bed, draped under heaps of blankets, her voice a tiny sound in his spacious chambers.

"No one you need to concern yourself with, just a Lump who doesn't know her place in society, thinking she can be something she's not."

"Well then, if it were no one, come back to bed Joren, it's getting cold."

Joren growled at her, grabbing her face and edging his lips onto hers. It was disgusting how easily these girls came onto him, with no dignity at all, but of course one woman came to mind. His eyes closed, and he saw her hazel eyes, her wispy brown hair...

As he heard the girl beneath him moan, Joren opened eyes, mentally smirking over the power he had over women. He could have anyone he desired, but there was only one that he wanted to play with.

He broke the passionate kiss, his eyes roaming over her disheveled appearance.

"Joren," she all but whimpered his name as he got off the bed, running his hands through his messy hair.

"I have places to be," with that he walked from the room, slamming the door shut behind him as he heard the girl start to cry. How disgusting these court women were, she thought that because he'd slept with her, that he was in love, and would stay by her side forever, writing poems about his devotion to her. It made him want to retch.

Joren walked toward the mess hall, wondering for the first time what his ordeal would be like. He was more than confident that he would make it through the chamber, no one from his family had ever failed the ordeal, and he would not be the first to shame his family name.

He grabbed his tray of food, and sank down next to Garvey who was eating his food without a care in the world. He too had returned early to prepare himself mentally and physically for the soon coming ordeal, not that it would help him much in any case, for Garvey it wouldn't matter if he came out alive or dead, he was the youngest son of three, and wasn't likely to inherit much.

The dinner bell had rung at least an hour ago, and the mess was deserted except for a few odd knights scattered around tables.

As he surveyed them, his eyes came to rest on a head resting on the mahogany colored wood. Her eyes were closed, and if it hadn't been for the dark bags hanging menacingly under her eyes, she would have looked at peace with herself.

He continued to watch her as Garvey talked about his latest conquest with Lady Mandy, but Joren watched her, not paying any attention to him at all.

A small smile graced her lips, and he watched as her cheeks became flushed, and her eyes fluttered opening, the smile shattering as she took in her surroundings.

Her gaze met solidly with his, and he held it, refusing to look away from her penetrating gaze. He could have sworn on Mithros' name that he saw a tear slide down her face before she broke all contact.

_She ran along the cobblestone path laughing as footsteps rang out from behind her and a strong pair of arms gripped her waistline, turning her around to face him, his eyes teasing her._

_His touch made her shiver inside, as his hands traveled along her body, exploring the curves of her body as she ran her hands through his silky hair._

_As their lips met, it became an internal battle to keep control over themselves, in which both were failing miserably._

_Kel felt herself going weak as Joren pushed her against the rough alley walls, his hands running up the sides of her hips. A moan escaped her mouth and she could no longer process what she was doing._

_Joren pulled away, and she looked up at him, his eyes going from pale gray to a blackened color._

"_Joren..." she stopped as he put a finger against her swollen lips, silencing her._

"_I love you Keladry."_

_Kel looked up at him shocked, silence closing in around him. Slowly though, a smile engulfed her face, and she knew what she felt for him. Love._

_She rested her head on his shoulder as he embraced her, the silence perfect because anyone could see that no words needed to be spoken for him to find out how she felt._

_Had anyone seen them at that moment, they would have seen two lovers infatuated with one another, the man seeing no one but his lady, and the lady giving herself over to the man, her spirit, her essence, and her body._

Kel woke with a start, trying to find her bearings. She looked around, ready to scream in frustration when the mess hall came into her line of vision.

Something didn't feel right, and as she looked around, seeing the almost empty hall, she saw that he was watching her.

Joren observed her and he dismissed the idea of looking away from her, and she held her gaze, as they had a silent staring contest. _Silent. Silence._

Tears pricked at her eyes as the dream flooded back to her, and she hastily got up, forgetting about dinner, she'd lost all appetite for food.

She walked down the long corridor, and was heading towards her room when a hand clasped her shoulder. She sucked in her breath, it was him, it had to be him.

"My lady," her heart sunk and she knew it wasn't him, although the voice teased, it almost sounded like...

She turned around,only to be nearly knocked over and pulled into a hug. He laughed as she stared at his emerald green eyes in surprise, as he finally registered in her mind.

"Neal! Your back early, I thought you'd be gone at least another week!" She smiled at him, laughing at the silly grin on his face. Mithros it was good to see him.

From the shadows, Joren watched their reunion, sinking away into the darkness as Neal embraced her.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Own nothing; it is all Tamora Pierce's work.

**Emotionless**

**By Chicken Puffs**

You know you did it  
I'm gone  
To find someone to live for  
In this world  
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight  
Just a bridge that I gotta burn  
You're wrong  
If you think you can walk right through my door  
That is just so you  
Coming back when I've finally moved on  
I'm already gone

**Kelly Clarkson, Gone**

It was late, and as the palace lay in a peaceful slumber, one soul lay motionless in bed, succumbed by sleep that was none to innocent.

Dreams plagued his mind, and yet his body responded to nothing, even when the harshest blows came, no tremor was released, not even the twitch of his arm.

A black band on his neck, almost a chain like garment, glowed in an ethereal light, and the dark magic's entwined with the band were being put to the test.

_"I expect nothing but the best from you, I will not have you be second best! Do you understand? It's time you learnt that only the best succeed in life."_

_The man stood to the side of the boy, as his mirror image tried unsuccessfully to lift the heavy sword, crying out in pain as it came down hard on his foot._

_"Weakness boy is not to be tolerated. Pick it up now." His voice seethed raged as tears rolled down the child's small face, puffing up slightly._

_Joren tried again and again, concentrating hard on the task ahead of him, wishing only to please his father, not caring of the burning pain throughout his arm muscles._

_"Father please, may I go inside now?"_

_He hadn't expected the first blow to be this hard, and as they continued to come, he felt the dizzying pain his father had only brought upon him once._

_"Burchard! That's enough!" From his swollen eye, he saw his mother, her golden tresses hanging limp, her green eyes void of emotion._

_"Defiance woman! How dare you speak in that manner to me. The boy gets his weaknesses from you, and it seems, that both of you need to be taught a lesson_

In many ways Joren of Stone Mountain had grown to be like his father, who had once stood as his idol, a man to look up to, but now, he looked up to no one, bowed down to no one.

His blue eyes, which had once been filled with the curiosity of youth, had grown had over the years, and he refused to bow down to those of lesser society

The dreams continued on through the evening, and as the soft hues of pink and blues played across the shadows, the boy had finally responded to something, or, someone.

_"You bring shame to our name; I am embarrassed to call you my son! You let her beat you a weak, petty girl beat you in a men's game? You pathetic excuse for a Stone Mountain," Burchard screamed at his son, now fifteen years old._

_The darkness had enshrouded him, but he saw nothing except the shadow of a girl, who had made him suffer, and he discovered that he'd lost at his own game, and that he needed her more than anyone thought possible._

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

"Stop trying to avoid them Neal, there not going anywhere. You might as well get it over with now." Kel grinned as her friend grimaced at her, glared heatedly at the green leafs laying limp at the edge of his plate.

"It wouldn't have been limp if you hadn't waited till the end of dinner to eat it, you know."

It was nice having someone to eat with who wouldn't ask so many questions, even though Neal had interrogated her last night, he knew she wasn't ready to talk about what was bothering her, not even with him, and although the hurt had come, he respected her wishes more than she would ever know.

"Can you believe the nerve of Alanna, telling me that I was lazy. She works me from dawn to sunset and then in between times too. I'm surprised she let me off for midwinter. Of course, George had to beg her, and it took a fortnight for her to agree."

"She wants you to be ready for anything, Neal. You knew she would work you when you accepted."

"Yes mother," he grinned at her, and she smiled back, confused when she felt only the need to be his friend, but nothing more.

Had she finally gotten over the crush she'd harbored for so many years? Or had she just moved on, to, say, another?

She wasn't sure why her vision had immediately found him, but it did. He was poking at his food, looking bored, as Garvey spoke to him animatedly, failing to acknowledge the look on his companion's face.

Neal had followed her gaze, and took the opportunity to speak to her. "Has he been bothering you Kel? All you have to do is say the word."

Inwardly she sighed, wishing she could explain her feelings, but instead, telling him that everything was fine and that he had left her alone ever since he'd returned for the midwinter festivities.

"Come on Neal, I have the incredible urge to beat you, oh noble one, in a sword fight."

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggg

After washing up, and feeling quite satisfied, Kel headed towards the stables, only to feel a presence unknown to her being.

An invisible blanket of fog enshrouded her being, and the air surrounding her was chilly and damp.

A shadow approached through the gloom, moving closer to her body, and wrapping the blackness around her neck.

She cried out in pain as the circulation in her neck was closed off and she could no longer breathe.

Strong arms wrapped around her waist, flooding her body with heat and pushing the menacing cold away, and she took a gasp of breath as the blackness retreated.

And suddenly, she was lying in the grass wet from the morning's dew, rocking back and forth like a small child, tears rolling down her face, and the same warm arms wrapped around her body. The tightness in her neck had not gone away, but she could still breathe.

"Neal, please help me," her voice was not that of a near grown woman, but of a frightened child, who'd just had a nightmare.

"He's not your knight in shining armor this time princess," the sneer was apparent in his voice, although she couldn't see his face, his arms didn't release her.

The pain in her neck continued to come, until her shallow breathes turned into wheezes, and she didn't have the energy to argue.

Kel raised a hand to her neck, feeling a strange flat band encircling it.

Strange black opals were incrusted into it to match the black band, and in a way, it was beautiful, unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"Joren, please. What is it," she whispered tiredly, feeling her energy drained, not caring whose arms she lay in.

"It's the band of death," he said quietly, sounding not at all himself.

"The black god has chosen you, along with others who are strong enough to help him rule in the rhealms. When he is ready, he will come for you, and take you with him."

"You're lying! I told you I was done with these games, take it off Joren. Now!" The tears came in streams, refusing to let up.

Quietly he said, "Explain this then," he pulled down the high neck of his shirt to reveal a matching band, except that the stones on his were of a tarnished silver, as if his had worn down over time.

"And there's only one way to save ourselves, except, I need you."

The blackness ensued over Kel, as the world drifted away, but he stayed with her in her dreams, and even in the darkest shadows, he was the burning light. Her savoir.

A/N: I'm done with promising bullshit I can't keep. I'm sorry this chapter is so late, but there have been a lot of problems going on in my life. Forgive me please. I know it's short, but I can't think of anything more right now.

I've changed the original plot a lot, and I'm sorry if you don't like it very much, but I'm trying to make this story original.

Oh, and just in case your wondering, Joren is not suddenly going to become nice to Kel, and things will continue to be heated between the two.

Please review, I feel really shitty right now and need some feedback on what you think of the plot…


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:The characters, and the settings belong to Tamora Pierce, so don't sue because it would be pointless to sue a kid, not only would you lose me as a reader, but you'd take my money as well. Wouldn't want that to happen.**

**Emotionless**

**By: Chicken Puffs**

be easy on me let's pop a bottle  
listen from the fellas in the spot that wanna rock with me (be easy)  
so now i wanna find me a model  
New york came here to do what we do (just be easy)  
I know u ain't trying to get caught up (no)  
U don't got problems (oh), chillin in the spot with me (be easy)  
so we just wanna have a good time  
VIP is about to get hotta  
Massari, Be Easy

Kel had woken up in a strange bed, to the feeling of soft black silk covering her, but providing little warmth to rid her of the cold morning. She'd been wondering what the hell had happened to her until the point when she'd seen him, and then it had all come back to her, the events of last night.

He'd looked like a child, his face unguarded and open, blond strands falling softly in his face, framing his high cheekbones. The picture he'd created had been a thing of beauty, and she was scared of coming back to reality, which she knew that she had to accept.

She still felt tired, a feeling which was impossible to rid of, and the Black God had taken her soul with him when he'd approached her, only narrowly being saved by Joren, but she was still uncertain of how he'd done it.

Tenderly, she reached a hand up to her tender neck, feeling the thick band still in place, although she'd half expected to wake up and find all of this a horrible dream.

Observing the room around her, she'd come to accept the fact that Joren was a very dark person. The room was enshrouded in darkness except for a narrow crack of sunlight that peaked out from his silk curtains, which told her it was morning.

A red covered book caught her eye, and she carefully climbed out of his comfortable bed to reach for it, touching him ever so slightly to grab it.

His body jerked and she'd been afraid of waking him, but he merely shifted his head on the desk, continuing to rest.

It said that the black god struck rarely, only when his chosen were weak enough and lost to their own world. Only then could the portal between the rhealms be opened.

So little was known about the bands that it was almost never taught of, or even mentioned to mages, and that was why they had to make the journey to find the seer. It was possibly the only chance for their survival now.

Her defenses had been down for so long that she couldn't even protect herself anymore. She risking everything that she'd worked for, and she could possibly be kicked out of her training if anyone was to discover that she'd gone on some hunt with her enemy to find a person who might not exist anymore.

Joren. He was weak. He was a human just like her. He felt, and something must be plaguing him to or the Black God would never have been able to attack him. Who had saved him? Who might have wanted to help him as much as he needed?

"Stop brooding lump, we have to leave, and soon. Tonight, before the last bell. Wear something plain, for we cannot have people knowing who we are or word will spread back to the palace." The silence was interrupted by his vicious voice, causing her to shiver slightly. Really, she couldn't stand his moods. Sometimes he caused her to wonder if he'd changed, and others, like now, made her realize that he would always be the same.

"And where exactly are we supposed to go, oh mighty one," Her voice challenged his, and she raised her calm hazel eyes to meet his cold blue ones. Joren had lost any warmth he'd held towards her last night, as if he hadn't had anything to do with saving her.

His eyes traveled down her body before answering, catching sight of what was in her lap. Before she could move a muscle, though, Joren had jumped out of the chair he'd been occupying, reaching for it, and slamming it closed in front of her face.

"What the hell do you think your doing? You fucking good for nothing whore!" Anger flooded his body, his face turning a sickish red color against his pale skin.

"I…"She was at a loss for words, in all the years she'd known him; he'd never gotten this angry.

"Get the fuck out Mindelan, and be ready for tonight. I'll leave without you if I have to." Already he'd turned his back on her, making for the door. She was left to wonder if possibly, death could be better than this.

There was something in that book though, that he hadn't wanted her to find, and she was determined to find out what it was.

* * *

"I'm sorry Neal, but I have to leave. Father is very sick and their not sure if he'll make it. I've already talked to Raoul, and he understands. He said to take as much time as I need. Please understand as well."

He took in her disheveled appearance, and her tear stained face, wishing desperately that he could ease her pain; because he knew how much she loved her father.

Kel tried to smile for his sake, but it was all too much. She wasn't going to see her father, in fact, he'd probably outlive her, but that was beside the point. She was traveling to the West of Corus in search of a seer who could help them remove the bands. He told her it was the only way to remove themselves from the clutches of death itself. Or at least that's what the note had said; he'd ignored her all day, ever since their argument that morning.

"I do Kel….do you want me to come with you; to make sure everything's alright?" He asked hopefully, wishing that for once, she'd let him help her.

"No, I'll be fine, it's a short journey." Her words came out rushed, as she hoped he wouldn't catch her uneasiness.

"Well alright, if your sure?" Neal asked reluctantly, knowing that Kel was stubborn and refuse.

At the nod of her head, he hugged her before exiting the room, leaving her alone.

She leaned back in her bed, feeling the loneliness engulfing her, but refusing to cry. She'd been doing too much of that lately, and she promised herself that she wouldn't anymore.

To put it plainly, she was confused. Confused about the band, confused about Joren, confused about herself, and everything that had happened in the course of a few hours.

Kel was ready though, and she had a feeling that many unexpected things would come on this struggle to survive, and not all of them would be pleasant.

* * *

"Queenscove, step away from me. I'm not like you, and if I was, I wouldn't be interested in _you."_ Joren smirked at the older boy, as he tried hard to control his temper.

"Are you calling me queer Stone Mountain?"

"Since you put it that way, yes, I'm calling you queer. I've seen you looking at that oaf, Cleon, when you think no ones watching." This was just too easy, he thought to himself as he dodged the fist that he'd just barely dodged.

"You'd better fucking listen and give me some straight answers Stone Mountain. What the hell have you done to Kel, because I know it's something, and I'm tired of it! No more of these games Stone Mountain." Neal's face had gone from red to a strange purple color, which only made him roll his eyes. The boy really needed to learn to control his temper if he was ever to be duke.

"Jealous, that her attention isn't focused on you? She must know your secret."

This time he threw all of his weight on Joren, pinning him down so he couldn't move from beneath.

"Listen as I'm only going to say this once. Stay away from Kel because if I ever see you hurt her again, I'll leave you so bruised that you'll be confined to your bed, forever. I'll let you go now, but you'd be best to fear me, because I have no more sympathy for you."

* * *

"Take your sweet time Mindelan? You're late, and I was just about to leave." In truth, that wasn't exactly correct. For this plan to work, he needed her there, or he couldn't proceed with the next step.

"It's not exactly easy to sneak out with this on," she pointed to the course wool dress she wore.

"I don't even see why I can't dress normally. It's not like we're spies or anything."

"You're an idiot if I ever saw one. Seriously, do you believe all women go out and about fighting for their king, as if it were the daily routines of life? You may not be a spy, but there are others, and in case you've forgotten, you're supposed to be with your sick father. It wouldn't look very good if people saw you with me. They might get the wrong idea and as soon as they find us missing, they'll assume I kidnapped you. Do you see my reasoning now?"

Kel blushed at her own stupidity; mounting Hoshi before anything more could be said. Really, it was quite easy for anyone to see why they were in disguise if they knew the situation, and yet, she was too dense herself to see it.

She shivered inside her heavy sweater as they set off on their way, glad that the dress was warm. A heavy mist had settled over the blackness and she could see nothing but the white puffs of breath from her horse and herself.

What was he thinking? He was perched atop his horse moodily staring straight ahead into the distance? Was he laughing at her for following through with this stupid plan? What if this was some kind of trap, or someway for him to be rid of her? What would she do if he was planning on killing her?

She had no defenses, and nothing but her sword in her saddle bag. Besides, in her state, could she possibly hope to defeat him?

Maybe he'd placed the necklace on her to confuse her, and even though she'd unsuccessfully been able to remove it, but, then again he could've had a mage spell it for him.

No, he didn't possess the gift, and it would have been impossible for him to create an illusion. Besides, what she felt was not mortal.

The night wore on, as no words were spoken between the two companions, one lost in thought, the other searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Joren was wondering if he would have enough time to complete the prophecy, and still arrive back at the palace before his ordeal, which was in a little more than three fortnights.

It would take exactly ten days to arrive in Ebony, and then he could get the seer to spell a letter from Kel to Neal, explaining what had happened and where she had been over the course of time she'd been missing. From there he could make it back to Corus in little less than six nights, and stay out of the target of suspicion. By then, he'd be under no god's control, and could pass his ordeal.

The stage of sacrifice would be completed quickly and free, he'd make sure of it. Maybe she didn't deserve it at all, but he didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention. This was the only way to be released from the Black God's powers, and he was determined to be his own person, no matter what the stakes. In all reality, this would make his father proud, as disgusting as that was.

* * *

"We should stop," he told the half awake girl riding next to him. "It looks as if you need sleep, and the horses need feed and rest if there to make the journey both ways."

She nodded her head, trying to keep her eyes from closing, rubbing them wearily.

The sun was starting to rise overhead, and the sky went from a dark blue to a light purple hue. They'd ridden through the night, staying in the shadows of the thick, burly trees, and finally they'd reached a small inn, where they'd agreed to spend the night.

She'd stepped down from Hoshi, only to have the reins taken away from her, and his rough voice told her to follow him inside the stables.

The stables were abandoned, and the sounds and smells comforted her greatly. To her surprised, as she stood, Joren spoke softly to the horses as he rubbed there sweat soaked bodies down with an oiled cloth.

"We have to share a room." He said it simply, as if he was talking about a friend.

"What do you mean," she said worriedly. What if she talked in her sleep?

"Think about it, a woman and man traveling unaccompanied, they'll know something's wrong. We need a cover, and that's all I can think of right now. I'll explain later, but right now, you're my betrothed from a lower class and we're running from my father."

She couldn't really understand what he was saying, and decided to wait for him to finish up with the horses and for him to explain to the innkeeper what was happening.

Sitting down in the soft hay, Kel laid her head down, promising herself she wouldn't fall asleep, and not noticing that Joren was watching her, a glint in his eyes.

She didn't mean to, but she did, as usual, fall asleep.

Finished grooming the horses, he walked over to where she lay asleep, thinking about kicking he, but deciding otherwise. Disgusted, he picked her up, thinking that he was doing this too much lately, and carried her into the cozy inn.

It did help their disguise, the loving boy cradling the lady in his arms while she slept peacefully. At least, that's what the woman thought as she was all soft smiles, handing over the key, remising in her own memories of young love.

He climbed the steps, opening the door with a squeak, dropping her onto the bed lightly.

Joren slipped his tunic over his head, revealing the necklace that was changing colors again. The silver had turned into a deep red, signaling that his time was running out.

Glancing over at the sleeping figure next to him, he told himself to feel nothing for her, that she was important to him in only one way and that was to complete the prophecy.

* * *

_"Don't leave," she pleaded with him. "Please Joren, something's going to happen to you, I know it!" Tears had started to slip down her face as he pulled her through the alley's heading towards the palace._

_"Nothing will separate us, I promise. If I don't try, then I might as well become a peasant. You don't know what my father is capable of."_

_"You're going to die," she whispered the words, stopping him in her tracks._

_He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders, saying, "I won't leave you Keladry. Not tomorrow, not in a week, month or year. I told you I wouldn't before, and no chamber can defeat me."_

_Didn't anyone teach you never to temp fate, because that's what you're doing now._

_Hours later, she stood in the chapel, her knuckles white as they opened the doors to the chamber. _

_Two Mithran priests cloaked in white went inside, and the room went quiet, expecting to see a badly shaken Joren, but instead they carried a body between them bathed in crimson blood._

_People around her gasped in shock and looks of sympathy were passed around the room, but for one, there was no pain, just a cold hard emptiness._

_No one seemed to see the girl sitting in the back row, with a blank expression on her face, and no tears fell from her large eyes._

_'You promised." She whispered to no one in particular_

_

* * *

_

The lump was dreaming about him, or at least that's what he thought, hearing his name mentioned throughout the course of the evening, as he stayed alert and awake.

Now how could he twist this to his advantage? Mindelan had obviously harbored feelings towards him as she used announced to the air that she loved him.

A Stone Mountain considered all options, and this made it all the more easily to gain her trust. His plan was going to work if it killed him…Literally.

* * *

**A/N: Hmmm didn't expect this to be up for a while. Thanx for reviewing, and keep it up. Reviews are much appreciated:):):):)**

**Plot's movin a little fast but I have to keep it going. Charavter's might be a little OOC and somewhat confusing but you'll get over it.I'm sorry about it...**

**School's out in a week and I have to study for exams and then I'm off on vacation for a while so I doubt the next update will be in before July...SOrry bout that. Have a good night!**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the plot, all characters and references to the setting belong to the one and only Tamora Pierce

**Emotionless**

**By: Chicken Puffs**

_And I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica  
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything  
And I remember the time when you left for Santa Monica  
And I remember the day you told me it's over _

_Theory of a Deadman, Santa Monica_

* * *

_Not all stories end with a happy ending; this was a fact of life, not just an opinion expressed by the unruly and depressed. At the tender age of four his father had read him a story before setting off on his journey to Corus, and much too young Joren's happiness, for he didn't see his father much, the book was one of his favorites, given to him by his nurse maid. _

_Joren vividly remembered the fairy tale, a beautiful young peasant girl falling for the soon to be king, the kingdom rejecting this young girl and then suddenly falling in love with her as the prince makes her his bride._

_He had clapped his hands together in glee, but his bubble had soon burst at the look of pure loathing on his fathers face. _

_"This is nonsense! Garbage unfit even for the lowliest of peasants. Now, tell me who gave you this book? Was it your mother?" Burchard had purred out the last sentence. Letting the malice drip from his words, he hoped that he might have a reason to beat that pathetic excuse for a woman._

_A small whimper had been unleashed from deep inside his throat, as his father slapped hard him across the face and repeated the question. Really he'd had no choice but to surrender to his fathers whims. _

_"Hanna gave it to me for my birthday Father. What is wrong with it?"_

_His fathers face had gone red, as he picked up a glass vase on his table and hurled it against the wall, sending minuscule fragments flying._

_Burchard picked up the finely embroidered book before throwing it into the blazing hot fire, and stayed only long enough to watch it burst into flames. Satisfied, he smirked at the hot ash that was all that remained of the petty fairy tale._

_"There is no such thing as love or happy endings, because in the end all that's left is the pain. It's easier to love than hate, but never embrace love because over time, the hate is all that remains. Love is for fools."_

_The words caused a new emotion to fill his small heart, the gift of hate._

_Joren had woken up in the morning to discover his nurse hanging in the courtyard for everyone to see. Dead. _

_It was only one thing in a series of events that shaped Joren's budding character from a growing boy, into a hard young youth._

* * *

Kel and Joren had finally arrived at their destination point to find that the seer had left town to guide a recently destroyed village and bring life to the destruction. She would not be back for at least a week, the stable hand had said, wondering for the life of him what the young couple needed a seer for. They looked to be in fine health and there seemed to be a fiery passion in the woman's eyes that he guessed could only be directed at the gentleman standing close to her. 

What puzzled him was the man. The woman was not beautiful, but her wide hazel eyes and thick brown hair gave off the impression that she was quite pretty, and she must have been quite in love because every few moments while he was talking she would glance at him with her thick black eyelashes before quickly turning away.

There story would be quite intriguing to know about when he found out, and he was not one to be denied access to anything. He was after all the closest thing these people had to a leader.

* * *

Kel was not used to having spare time. Training at the palace or being out with Raoul required no such thing as 'spare time'. 

There wasn't much to the inn that they were currently staying in, tables filled with laughing thieves, women in revealing dresses flaunting their cleavage and entertaining the men, and then there was her, alone in the bustling smoke filled in.

Joren had roughly left as soon as they'd stabled their horses, leaving a flustered Kel on her own. Not that she minded, he'd been acting stranger than usual, and her thoughts weren't coming out clear when he was in such close proximity to her. She was even afraid to sleep when he was in the same room, for the dreams continued to plague her, and she'd yet to come to terms with the message they were portraying, that she was in love with him.

"And what is a lovely lady such as you sitting alone for? No one deserves to be alone on such a beautiful night as tonight."

Startled she looked up to see the stable boy slip into the shadows where her table lay. His voice was rich and he seemed to purr as he talked, not the rough thick accent he'd used before when they had inquired about the seer.

He smiled down at her as he revealed a row of straight pearl white teeth, against the broad tan of his face.

"May I have a seat, and enjoy the company of your loveliness?" His deep emerald eyes laughed as she nodded, crimson color rising to her cheeks.

"My name is Anthony, and if I may ask yours?"

A certain suspicion had set in as Anthony flirted with her, but she let it go, knowing that he couldn't have had a clue who she really was.

"Mariah of Three Waters," Kel lied easily, looking at the man more closely. Black hair was pushed away from his eyes, and eyes that reminded her of Neal's spoke a whole volume of his personality. He wore silk breeches and a crisp white shirt, clothes that were certainly unbefitting of his station.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful lady, Mariah," Anthony spoke the words seductively as she looked down, and he observed her movements, knowing that she was not the commoner she was reported to be. Her voice was as educated as his, and intelligence lay in her eyes. The rust red silk dress didn't end his suspicions either, or the jeweled choker she wore either.

"What brings you here? Not many from around inquire about our seer, you'd think that Corus would have it's own great ones.

She stared at him in disbelief, how could he have found out where they were from?

Recovering quickly she spoke in a low voice, "Corus is a dangerous place for us to be right now, and we need some guidance, or our lives could be at stake." Kel's voice quivered just enough to add effect to what she was saying, and silently she congratulated herself as a look of pity crossed Anthony's eyes.

"Someone of your beauty should never have to run. You should be given a palace overlooking the world, and rule from high above. Is it worth running away with the man you believe to love you?"

His words confused her, he'd seen Joren but how could he have figured out their story without her explaining the whole situation? Obviously there was more to this man than met the eye. Could he possibly be another George Cooper?

"Of course, love has no boundaries."

"Well maybe I could change your mind lady, and you could tell me the real truth. I might even let you set some real boundaries. My room is free if you'd like, it's a very _secluded_ place to talk. "

Kel was shocked at what she'd just been asked of, but before she could speak another voice broke into the conversation.

"Or maybe she'd rather not." His voice was quiet, but a deadly coldness had arisen in it, a tone she'd yet to hear from him. "If you'll excuse us, we'll take our leave now."

Anthony winked at Kel as Joren forcefully grabbed her wrist and she found herself capable of nothing if she wished to not cause a scene amongst the overly crowded inn.

His voice reached her ears as she heard him call out to her, "I'm sure you'll know where to find me if you change your mind!"

As soon as they were out of sight Kel pushed Joren away hard as she herself backed up against the wall, and he stumbling back, not quite falling down. His eyes met hers, and she held back a gasp as he glared at her, coming closer as he used all of his weight to throw her down but not before she took him with her by hooking him with her left foot.

The soft hay cushioned her landing, and as horses neighed, she tried unsuccessfully to get an advantage but Joren would not budge from on top of her. They'd stopped rolling, and he'd decided he needed to put her in her place.

"Mindelan you are the biggest fucking idiot I have ever met. Are you trying to blow everything when we're so close? Or would you rather die in the Black God's clutches? You don't have the option to flirt with every man you see, but I always knew you were a whore. If it's not Queenscove you're fucking, then it's some stranger." His eyes had become gray pools of fiery, no longer had their icy blue color, and she shut them closed, not willing to look at him. "Open your eyes!" He shouted at her, his anger slowly receding inside of him as he stared at her pale face, and long eyelashes drawn together. Her hair seemed to curl slightly at the ends as it drew into a perfect arc around her face.

All had gone quiet, and reluctantly Kel opened her eyes as her breath caught. Inches from her face was his, eyes that bore into hers as hazel clashed with silver-blue, as she lost herself inside of him.

She failed to notice his weight on top of her and how it crushed her lungs, but she couldn't bring herself to draw away from the warmth and energy that was circulating off of him and through her body.

Joren's words brought her back to reality as they broke the spell around them. His voice was hoarse as he spoke, "I hate you with a passion, Mindelan, something not many can say, but I want you more than you can ever know."

His lips met hers and her skin was set on fire as she felt her desire combine with his. It was a battle that at first she had been winning, but all thoughts of hate and war were gone as he was now underneath her and his hands roamed wildly, searching this new unexplored territory.

She moaned as his tongue went deeper into her mouth, and at that moment she realized she wasn't dreaming, because it wasn't this possible to feel complete in a dream, there was always something missing. Tonight there was nothing missing.

It had happened so fast that as she felt him draw away from underneath her, she seemed miles away reliving every moment of it, because no dream had ever made her feel like this.

"I don't know what you've done to me Mindelan, but quite possibly I've returned the favor to you because I haven't felt this way since I saw you standing in the rain, and I know you feel it to."

Puzzled by his words, she watched him glance back once as he left the stables, the only thing that ruined his cool demeanor was his eyes, filled with lust and want, for her, Keladry of Mindelan.

The hay was warm from their body heat, and she lay in it for what seemed like minutes but was actually hours, thoughts repeating over and over, as she wondered what he was thinking of right then

_He's thinking of you, of course!_ Her sub conscience told her, making her sigh in half pleasure, half anxiety.

What the two different beings failed to realize that evening was the bands encircling their necks. Had they, they might have noticed that the color had changed, not for the worse but for the better, and slowly their souls were coming out of the dark and were being reunited for the first time since their past life. Ever so slowly the white was conquering the black in a battle until the end.

That wasn't the only thing Kel forgot about as she fell asleep in the bed of hay underneath her, the dreams had stopped for the first time in a long time, and she slept in peace, because her dreams had been put at bay with reality.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, you guys rock:D:D If anyone wants email alerts just tell me because I don't know when my next udate'll be. 

Lady Em-Chan, Unknown-Dreams, ossini, Ti-Ti, Joren lover, FanFictionFandom, jinks, Antanaquai, MysticMoonEmpress, andFullBlueMoon. Thanks for reviewing, and everyone else for checkin it out! Please continue to review, and cookies for the 50th reviewer


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